1939: City Of Darkness Come watch with me!

Come enjoy a classic then lets talk!

Just a truthful thought, that hits deep.

This was found on my facebook wall, all credit to the author. 

This is my reality..........(intro)

I sat here this evening thinking there is no time like the present..... So I have decided to throw myself into my blog. Cheaper than therapy, get input from strangers, and can say whatever in the hell I want to when I want to... so that's what I am going to do exactly here.... Im gonna let the freak flag fly, gonna show the goods that I hide in the closets. This is MY reality.I want to share, or show, or alleviate from my tired soul...  So now its the infinite webs problem.  So , Hi, Im Kerry. I am a normal everyday average joe-anna I think.  Im 44 (feel 102 some days). Im the mom of 3 sons , grandmother of 3, fur/feather mommy of several, and a empathetic sensative "Green Witch" foul mouthed mamma bear with a heart as big as my ass and a temper as short as my attention span. Oh and Im cute. (well its what I tell myself damnit).

Unfortunately the temps were frigidly cold yesterday and I had to be out in it more than normal and Im paying for it in pain this morning. I tried to lay down and go to sleep several times last night and I could only lay for a few minutes before pain and charlie horses started in. Smoked plenty of medical bud and it didnt cut it so had to take a couple pain pills, and still... nothing. Just sitting here still wanting to rip my limbs off.. Oh wait... I havent explained this part yet have I?  16 yrs ago I got sick... still am. That's the long and the short. I have fibro and inflammatory arthritis and they have given an unofficial diagnosis of MS.  I live in Illinois, its January and well its fucking cold. Hence therefore..... I feel like stir fried asscake with fuck all syrup.    

I am an avid horror movie buff, just cant help myself. So I have a membership to Shudder, its very cheap per month and you get 24/7 horror so how can u go wrong? Well while enduring the fuckinouchies all night I was drawn to a podcast on Shudder called "Deadly Manners"... and its really interesting mix of comedy and murder, like radio shows of old, its amazing...   Deadly Secrets Trailer  check it out!

Its a new year, and deep inside of me I want to change so many things, but I just don't have the willpower most days.  

The last few years have been very traumatic and stressful for me and I just haven't been able to bring myself back around. My baby brother died 3 years ago this August. I was his caregiver for some time before he passed away from cancer.. or as I would like to call it "hell on earth disease". I saw things I cant unsee, I had to do things I cant undo, and I cant shake it. The hole I have from losing him will never fill but I know he is better off now then he was here, but its what changed me into this person Im not familiar nor comfortable with.  During this time my aunty and I held each other together, she kept me sane, and I did the same as she was enduring some terrible health shit of her own.. we were best of friends and we were closer than siblings...She passed in October. Due to some family instability, I didn't get to tell her goodbye, and that has also sat on my shoulders since she left this spinning rock.  I dont want to feel this weight anymore, there's nothing I can do now or could have done to make any of this crap not occur.

I have a fierce loyalty to family and friends, I will go to the ends of the earth, hell even give the shirt of my own back (and have)...I have never been selfish, hell I have even not taken care of myself when I should have because others needed me more, but... (this is going to sound terrible) I dont want to anymore. I want to know what it feels like to only have to take care of what I want or need, and no one else, without feeling terrible about it. Is that even possible? Can a person change who they are even for a moment just to feel what its like?  

In the last few years I have seriously started feeling my age. I cant lift much anymore, Im exhausted walking from room to room, I get so confused some days its unbearable. I forget important things for weeks at a time, and then stress when I realize what I have done.  Mentally I am taxed beyond my ability to cope, and physically I am warn out. Not much more fight left in this old girl physically I dont believe.  

There are so many things I still want to accomplish before I get to the point I sit around and watch soap operas and knit. 

I am trying so hard to get my house organized and simplified so that day to day activities arent so difficult on hard days like today.  I want to share my knowledge and skills with people, of the plethora of info and things I have learned in my 44 yrs of being on this marble. I want to work, and since I cant outside the home, I will find some way to at least do it from home so that I feel useful. I want to leave my mark somehow before my last breath, and im not sure how. I want to make people laugh, as I enjoy making people forget for a bit and laugh. I want to write down all my memories before I completely forget as the cloudy memory is settling in for the duration it seems. So many things I want to accomplish just dont know where to start.  

Now that we have come to the end of the intro lets see if I remember to come back and update on the daily!

Stay tuned....